I Am So Awkward

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I ran into a high level administrator at my job in the parking garage. He was eating a giant cookie. I don’t know him very well. He decides on my salary and he makes the rules and when I get around him, I get weird.

“Hello!” I said, VERY brightly.

“Hello,” he said, eating the giant cookie.

“That is a great cookie,” I said.

And then the voice started coming into my head: Great cookie? What are you talking about, Georgi? You’re being awkward!

“Oh,” he said, laughing, “Yes, well, I’ve had a really tough day, so I’m relieving my stress with the cookie.”

I laughed. Laughing a little too much there, pal. Chill out.

Then I said, “I totally understand. In fact, I’m going to the gym right now to relieve some stress too.”

Then he said, “Oh, right, well, I’m also going to work out later…”

And then I realized what I said. I compared his cookie to my workout. WTF!!!

Are you SERIOUS? Did you just shame a senior level leader? What are you SAYING??? Who are you, all, “I’m going to the gym to relieve stress?” It’s not like you go to the gym every day! It’s not like you don’t eat cookies!! It’s not like you don’t maniacally eat candy from EVERY DESK AT WORK THAT HAS A CANDY JAR!!!

STOP TALKING. STOP TALKING. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!

But, of course, I did not stop talking.

I said, “Oh, of course, I’m sure you are going to work out! And, listen, I eat cookies all the time. I love cookies. I’m totally jealous of your cookie.”

He laughed and said, “Ok, then, see you later…” and walked off to his car.

Thank god. Please walk away. Who knows what I was going to say next.

Just go to the gym and be condescending about your stress relief, Georgi. You go do that now.

Oh, dude. This seriously happened. I did not make this up. And it was not the first time. And it will not be the last.

And yet, let me introduce you to the woman in this picture:

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That’s me too. I’m speaking to a group of over a hundred people. I have a microphone AND a wireless clicker. I am cruising around the room like a happy dolphin. Because I love it. Because I’m psyched. Because I want to be in the crowd, in the mix, in the zone talking to people. That senior administrator from my earlier story also shook my hand at an awards ceremony last year as I won a school-wide teaching award.

I’m not awkward all the time.

And yet…

Sometimes I lay in bed and hate myself for the awkward. Sometimes I drink to cover the awkward (even more awkward). Sometimes I try to run off the awkward outside and AT THE GYM. LOL.

But sometimes, more and more often, I give myself a giant break.

Beautiful reader: There is something weird, wild, worrisome, or imperfect about you. Maybe you are awkward too, or short tempered, or impatient, or critical. This character trait comes out in terrible timing. It shows itself despite your strenuous objections to go away. It is there, ready to appear when you’re tired, stressed, nervous, or least expect it.

So what? Who cares? More and more often, give yourself a giant break.

You are so very interesting. You have imperfections. You can live with them. You might learn from them. You can try to forgive yourself for them. You could, quite possibly, laugh your ass off at them.

For heaven’s sake: Have a giant cookie and chill out. Remember all the ways that you slay.

Yes. You slay. Every day.

(Then, when you feel better, maybe you should go to the gym. I mean, I’m not saying that you’re out of shape. It’s not like I’m checking you out. It’s just nice to relieve stress. Not that you need me to tell you that. I mean, I’m sure you are very smart…)

OK, gorgeous. At this point in your blog, you should stop talking. It’s getting weird, Beyonce.

Beautiful cookie-eater: I want to leave you with this in a not-awkward-at-all way:

I have so much love for the imperfect you.

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One thought on “I Am So Awkward

  1. Love your honesty, g. I called my biz “A Comfortable Mind” because of how far I’ve come in my lifelong struggle to be comfortable with myself. I’m so grateful for every scrap of progress I’ve made. ‘Tis a rare bird that doesn’t struggle with this. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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