I Will Let You Down

IMG_4922My favorite undergraduate professor was a cokehead, something I found out from an acquaintance way too late one night at a house party. The news stung. You know the feeling. It’s the blindside moment, the ick factor, the splash where your clean ideals get dirty.

The person I looked up to, the one who adored me, the one whose laugh was the prize worth winning… was a cokehead?

No, no, no, I thought. This isn’t right. I don’t have all the facts. But now, I had doubt. I reviewed our previous interactions. I reassessed my adoration.

Could I still love Dr. Cokehead?

My twenty something self believed that drugs were something you do when you’re young. You experiment. Get to know yourself and your limits. Then, you grow up. You’re not supposed to be a cokehead when you’re old, right? Not a professor. Not an adult with the job of being a role model.

How was this possible?

20something Georgi was really let down.

Originally, I was going to name this post, “Thank You, Jerk,” for all that I have learned from people who have let me down. Then, I looked in the mirror.

I said thank you to my reflection.

Thank you, Georgi, for letting people down. You keep doing it. You’re the professor now, and you’re still doing it. Good for you. I’m glad you’re letting people down.

disappointment-300x200Hooray! Disappointment!

You see, while you may be disappointed in me, I try not to be disappointed in myself. Why? Because 40something Georgi prefers to ease up. I practice being kind to myself.

Being kind to yourself is challenging, like arm balances in yoga: you struggle, you fail, you effort. Still, you can persist in giving yourself credit for getting out of bed and putting your clothes on. You can show up. You can share your heart with people. You can apologize if you make a mistake. But mostly, you can be thankful for every day you get to bumble around the planet again.

You get to decide if you’re a success or failure. You get to ease up or be let down. Day by day, YOU get to choose.

YOU. Only YOU. No one else.

Gorgeous reader: When you have expectations of other people, they may let you down. When you have expectations of yourself, you may let yourself down. When you ease up and realize that expectations are optional, you can let them go. You can breathe easier without the expectation stranglehold. You can be delighted and surprised when wonderful things happen to you and everyone else. Wonderful things like the sun rising.

hammock-385600_960_720Everybody ease up now. Ease up. Ease up and enjoy your life a little more. You don’t have to be sad or angry that people let you down. Ease up and let people be who they are and where they are on their journeys. Ease up and allow yourself to simply be who you are and where you are on your journey. Today. Imperfect. As-is.

Hey, boo, where are you? Good. I love you right there.

All the cokeheads too.

No expectations.

stretchen-1634784_960_720

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s